Empaths Attract Narcissists, and Other Lessons

Photo by Syarafina Yusof on Unsplash

Empaths attract narcissists. If you haven’t seen all the studies showing it to be true, allow me to confirm it for you, through personal experience. It seems almost everyone I’ve ever dated has had one hell of a narcissist streak. But never right away, exactly. Only after they’ve gotten comfortable enough to let their “representative” side slip off. You know, that version of ourselves that comes out when we want to impress someone. We all have it, it’s just sometimes the difference between the representative and the actual versions of people are drastically different.

So here, after almost 10 years of dating (yikes) is what I’ve found out about the Narcissist and the Empath:

1. For a narcissist, everything is about them. The thoughts, feelings, and general consideration for the Empath is secondary at best.
2. Narcissists must be the center of attention as frequently as possible. If the Empath is feeling bad, the Narcissist will give a hundred reasons why they feel worse and should be thought of.
3. If a Narcissist hasn’t done something you asked, or has otherwise messed up (said something shitty, done something shitty, whatever), the Empath will get to learn how it’s their fault and how they should feel bad, not the Narcissist.
4. If something a Narcissist wants from an Empath is too difficult for the Empath to do without practice and thought, the Empath will get to hear all about how easy it should be, because all these other people in the world can do the thing no problem! The Narcissist is very jealous of these people.
5. Similarly, if something the Narcissist wants from the Empath makes the Empath feel self-conscious in any way, they will get to hear about how ridiculous it is to be self-conscious, and how they shouldn’t be! Especially with the Narcissist! If the Empath does not do this thing, it means they don’t care! How dare they!
6. Even if the Empath tries to improve on what the Narcissist wants from them, if it is not done constantly then it is not trying hard enough! There is no winning.
7. If the Empath disagrees with the Narcissist about something (a personal value they hold, a rule in their own house, whatever) and the Narcissist cannot sway the Empath to their side, the Empath is being unreasonable! Any bending the Empath may do on the subject will make them “more reasonable” in the eyes of the Narcissist, but do not bend. You will regret it. Every time.
8. If the Narcissist messes up somehow and says the words “I’m sorry” afterwards, those words absolve them of any blame from that moment onward. Any negative thoughts or feelings the Empath may still have about the situation and try to express in future will only be seen as reminding the Narcissist of their failures. The Empath will be made to feel bad for having any negative feelings of this kind.

The important thing to remember about all of this is that it is, of course, bullshit. You, Empath or otherwise, are full to bursting with valuable feelings worthy of expression and consideration. You have every right to feel the things you do. You should never feel guilty for having emotions, complex as they may be, especially when it comes to standing your ground on something you believe in or telling your partner they’re being an ass. It’s easy to forget all this in the moment of confrontation or exchange, but try as hard as you can to hold on to the thought that this person trying to make you feel less than them is wrong. Every emotion, every feeling, everything about you matters. Every part of you. You are worthy of a love and a circle of people who will never let you forget any of that. And while you work through finding those right people, remember:

Nolite te bastardes carborundorum. Don’t let the bastards grind you down.